Here’s the thing: teaching kids to ride a bike is lovely. It’s an essential step in childhood, you get to help them learn a life skill, and no feeling can replace that moment you run with them and let them go for the first time. The bike wobbles at first but soon enough they’re cruising across the old netball courts behind the velodrome shouting “I did it! I did it!” Your heart soars! Their first stack is cute (after your heart restarts because your baby just crashed). I mean, even the Band-Aids covering their gorgeous little knees are sweet.

I’m sorry to be the bearer of devastating news, but 13 years later, you wil