Look, I never get political here. I know my place. But with what’s currently going on in the world, it’s time I stood up and announced: I’m going to run for mayor in 2028. Or, whenever the next election is. I’ll google that later.

It’s just that I’ve been biting my tongue for so long, and menopause/cancer has seen me lose my filter, so I’m officially launching my campaign to fight for what is right.

For example, there is not one single café in town that makes a Nutella coffee frappe. Haven’t we suffered enough? We made it through the bulletproof coffee garbage craze, and we deserve to start our workday with 73 grams of sugar.

All parks in town should have a lockable fence, a coffee cart, and a designated park bench for tired parents who don’t want to chat. I want to be a good mum and get my kids off their iPad and onto the monkey bars, but I don’t feel that should ever involve small talk.

All mirrors in public bathrooms should be one of those funhouse distorting mirror things that magically make you look slim and far more awake than you really are. Maybe put AI to good use and throw in a hairstyle that suits my face. I spent 20 minutes the other day explaining to Miss 12 what “The Rachel” is and I’m worried that’s a slippery slope. Just give me a mum bun and let me feel good about myself while I wash my hands.

Every single person in Orange needs to resit their driving test. After being away for two weeks, I have discovered the inability to stay in your lane and the apparent constant urge to T-bone people at roundabouts are unique to Orange. Did you know that on the Mid North Coast, absolutely nobody tries to sideswipe you on the way to Woollies? It’s incredible.

I don’t know what the end game is with the roadworks in Peisley Street, but I’ll reiterate my main stance on this: reverse parking outside IGA should be illegal, punishable by jail time. It drives me insane, and if you’ve ever been yelled at there by a manic-looking woman in a grey ute with crazy hair, it was probably me and I do not apologise for it.

Speaking of jail time, you must never use your phone on speakerphone in public. The only possible exception to this rule is if you are performing CPR and have 000 talking you through it. This will be punishable by community service, where you will spend 100 hours wandering Summer Street dressed in a sumo wrestling suit tackling other offenders.

I’d convert the Mountain Tea House and cabins into a writers’ retreat. There’s no money for this obviously, but there are so many talented writers here in Orange it’s crazy. Maybe we lean into the Banjo Paterson connection and see what people can create given the chance.

Anyway, back to driving. If someone lets you in, you must give them the wave. This is non-negotiable. I don’t care if you’re late, holding a coffee, or midway through an argument with your husband. You find a way to get that hand up. We live in a society.

I’d completely overhaul aged care. Every nursing home would be run by a committee of the people who actually live there. There’d be a proper bar, incredible food, animals to cuddle, and shelves and shelves of large-print books. Because one day, if we’re lucky, we’ll be the old people. And I’d quite like there to still be things to look forward to.

Each public primary school should come with a parent advocate. No, not for anything important. That should already be in place. This person is specifically employed to communicate with the admin staff on your behalf. Yesterday, hubby and I were unexpectedly 43 minutes early to pick up Miss 12 for an after-school appointment after grossly overestimating how long our Service NSW visit would take. We could have gone in and signed her out early. Instead, two fully grown adults sat in the car for 43 minutes because neither of us could face going into the office and speaking to them.

Lastly, and most importantly, I will personally ensure that each and every caramel slice sold in Orange is up to standard. After all, if my slice didn’t win the so-called Orange Show’s “fair” competition, it’s clear we have standards. I shall enforce them.

Vote 1 Em. Haven’t we suffered enough?